We have a lot more snow than the picture shows.

We have had many snow storms and the scenery is getting more and more white. On a sunny day it´s beautiful to look at, other days not. Snow everywhere and I feel like there´s no room for more but it keeps on coming. I am anxiously waiting for summer. My imaginary green thumb is itching badly. What is a little bit worrying is the fact that I have planned to start growing vegetables. This must have something to do with age. I have never been a gardener who is interested in other things than flowers.

Another storm is going on inside me. PM is waving and I had to increase pred back to the magical 10 mg. Now I just wait for things to calm down so I can once again start tapering. My muscles are sore, I am tired and I have a little fever every now and then. Nothing unusual just annoying. Weight loss hasn´t turned around and I feel small. Can´t remember when was the last time I was this size? My clothes are too big for me.

The third storm is going on inside my head. Actually it is not really a storm, just another realization of how things are, how they have been and how they may be in the future. Not so positive thoughts as I would like them to be. I have gone far enough from my ex so I can see that there is some kind of pattern in his actions. Sad but true. Sad because it hasn´t changed a bit during this three-year-period of divorce. Sad also, because he is not hurting me (directly anyway) but the children. I know he wants to hurt me. Maybe it is a strategy. Hit me where it hurts and the children is that place. I never, not even in my wildest dreams, imagined that things would actually get worse after a divorce and stay that way. Especially when he was the one who left, without explanations and moved on to a new life that was ready and just waiting for him. It is just so unbelievable that I still can´t get rid of him. I feel like I have tried everything and right now, I have no idea what to do. That´s why I have been sick again. This is not the kind of life I wanted for me or my children. I realize now that this will go on and on even after the kids are adults. It is not a pleasant thought. He is not going to let me be and live my life.

There is only one place we haven´t been and tried to solve our differences. In front of the judge in the court room. There are reasons why we haven´t been there and one of them from my part is that I don´t have any trust left for the power of authorities. So far he has been able to talk everybody on his side. He is a master in turning things around, upside down. Over and over again. Pretty soon nobody knows what´s going on.

So, at the moment I do nothing.