sunnuntai, 25. marraskuu 2012
I remember that movie and I liked it when I was little. Back then I never thought that the title of that movie would become a part of my life. It did and I don´t like it.
The wounds that were already healed or almost closed are all torn open again. All the hurt and pain is present again and I have to deal with it. The burden on my shoulders is getting too heavy to carry. I feel like a total wreck. The worst part is that there is no end in sight. If there is, I can´t see it. Not at the moment. I have to keep on hoping it really is there. Otherwise nothing makes sense.
My fears are getting overwhelming. I am becoming paranoid. Have I said the wrong things to the wrong person? Is there anything I can say? To whom can I say what I think? So far the experience is, that my words have been twisted around and turned against me. I have even thought about deleting this blog. Just in case I have said too much and that can be used against me. Four years since the divorce took place and my ex just refuses to let go of me. I find it impossible to understand why?
So once again there is a battle ahead. This time there will be a judge. I thought that even he would not have the courage to lie in that situation. I was wrong. I know that, eventhough the big day has not occurred yet. I have no idea how can I even enter the room where he is present? I just wouldn´t want to see the expression on his face when his actions are questioned. I´ve seen it once and that was enough.
This process is changing things for the worse. I am been pressured to make decisions, which I am not ready to make yet. I was supposed to graduate by the end of this year. That won´t happen. I was just about to get my financial situation in order. Forget about that too. For a moment I felt really good about myself and the world around me. Already forgot what that feeling was like. I haven´t found my fighting spirit that usually comes out and keeps me going. It did lift its head but was quickly pressed back down. Maybe I´m just not angry enough. I see the pattern. I see the intimidation. It worked before. It won´t work again.
The stress hasn´t given me a flare. Thank God for that. Although I am not surprised if that happens later, when all this is over. My health has been better than for ages. I am not even anemic anymore and the dose of pred is now 7,5 mg. It is below the magic line. I just hope this ordeal doesn´t change my status.
It is just so unfair I have to go through everything again. My aim is to go forward, not backwards.