When I look back, the past year has gone really fast. Divorce and my health were the biggest problems. And they still are. I thought my divorce would be over by summer. I was wrong. Then I thought it would be over by the end of the year. I was wrong again. Now it is up to the judge to put an end to it. Sometimes I feel like that everything that has happened is all just a dream and I will wake up and see that things are like they used to be. I realize now that this would´ve happened anyway. It was only question of time. All the signs were in the air but I ignored them. I am starting to see the connections between things and timings. To my eyes X left a sinking ship like a rat only forgetting that I have no intentions to sink. But I still believe, what goes around, comes around.
I feel so bad about the kids. They are innocent and they suffer the most. It´s so wrong. I wish I could´ve spared them from this, but I couldn´t. That made me feel like a lousy mother, despite that my friends called me the tigermom. All I can do is be there for them and do my best to help them cope with the situation. So many sleepless nights...
Health department is not doing any better. Actually I think I´ve been more sick than well. Many days in a hospital, two operations, infections etc. After the second surgery I got post op reaction of some sort. My lungs were filled with fluids as was my whole body. I had breathing problems and ended up in the ICU. Scary experience but it saved my life. In ICU they were able to get 6 litres of fluids out of me in 24 hrs. It made wonders for my breathing. I have to admit, I was really scared that I wouldn´t make it alive.
I am facing a third operation sometime in the future. Not looking forward to it. Scared that something unexpected happens again.
I am behind on my studies and I have started to think that maybe I need an extra year to finish them. Beeing sick so long has really worn me out and I have had very little energy. I increased my pred dose to 30 mg and finally the fever was gone. It´s been gone for a week now *knocking wood*... :-)
Christmas holiday is over and I am back in school. Going to have a lot of things to do for the next 5 months. I´m just glad that studies give me something else to think about for a while. I didn´t make any promises for the new year. I will go on one day at a time and try to make the best of it. One of the best things that happened last year was finding my brother :-) Took me ages to build up the courage to actually do something about it and it was worth it. Most definetily!