Every time my children goes to their father I feel like I´m going through a small death. The moment they leave is just so unbearable and I have no idea what X is going to talk to them. So far he has been using kids as a weapon and I just can´t accept that. I am interested to see what will be his reply to my lawyers suggestion how things could be managed in the future. I just can´t tolerate people who talk seriously about how things must be done and then they themselves do it just the opposite way. I have wittnessed that so many times for the past years.
I should be getting on with my studies but I´ve had a difficult start and I still have troubles concentrating on them. I have to fight for my benefits again with authoritites so everything is a mess. Will it ever get easier? Why do I get this feeling that if you have something to deal with, life sure gives you more and more and more... Then there are these people, who doesn´t have a clue what a real problem can be and how to solve it? They just walk the yellow brick road straight to the end of the rainbow and find a treasure and live happily ever after. Okay, I admit, I am bitter, angry and frustrated. I am the one who trusted and was honest. I am also the one who has to pay for it, big time. The other one, who lied and cheated is rewarded for that. At least that´s how I still feel. I´m getting more and more to pay in one form or the other. It makes me think is it really worth being honest?
I am sick and tired for this whole process. There are days I just want to give up but because of the kids, I can´t. I want them to be able to enjoy their childhood without worries that doesn´t belong to them. Childhood is going too fast anyway so it should be carefree and a happy time. X can´t provide that. Nobody gets over him. He is (and always has been) the number one. He can´t even put his own children first.
Many times I have wondered if X´s only goal is to destroy me? When I look back I can see now that that´s what he´s been doing all the time. I was never good enough. I never knew anything. There was nothing good in me. But still he said he loved me. I just wonder why, because obviously it wasn´t true. He cheated me 13 yrs ago (or maybe even earlier) with the person who he is having a relationship with now. I guess they have had some sort of on-off-relationship over the years. I guess, because this is one of those things I will never know the truth.