In the last couple of days I´ve been thinking about that. I have come to the conclusion that the one who does the wrong thing against the other is not the bad guy. So who is to blame? The one who talks about it out loud and doesn´t keep it a secret. That´s the bad guy. I have a strong feeling I have gotten that mark on me. I´m okay with that. I know I have only been talking about for what I know is the truth. And since it looks like I´m the one doing most of the talking, I guess it´s unavoidable to get that mark. Everybody stands for their own, that´s natural and understandable.
But! Still it doesn´t make it approvable to hurt other people and hurt them really deeply and bad. It doesn´t give you the right to tell lies and keep secrets. I have been kept in the dark for almost 14 yrs and when I talk about it, I´m the bad guy. Sometimes I feel like people has hard time facing the fact that our problems are not just the ones we have today. They have come a long way with us. Without my knowledge. If I had known, we would have been divorced ages ago.
How I feel today? I am filled with anger, hate, despice and bitterness. I´m trying to get things figured out in my head, but it´s not so easy or fast. But (again) because my future X doesn´t "come clean" and explain to me why he has done, what he has done. I can´t even think about forgiving him. Not yet anyway. The pain is too big. I can hardly manage with it. My soul is ripped apart and torn in tiny pieces. So far I have no idea how to collect all the pieces back together again. So far I have no idea if I can get my feelings back. I have lost them somewhere in the process. I wish he would tell me the real truth once and for all so I could get a chance to move on with my life.
As for my status. 9 weeks of fever hopefully behind me now. Tomorrow I will give Trexan another try. Nothing wrong in my lungs. Thank God! Pred is now 30 mg and my blood test shows improvement. Even Hb is now 117. I´m still tired. Emotional crisis wears me out and I still have big issues to solve and no idea how to do that.
I have good news to share with you as well. A few years ago I found out that I might have a brother out there somewhere. Now I have found him and what was a rumour is now a reality. Me and my sister and our half-brother have all been surrounded by the secret of others existence. Everybody else has known about it but us. Now we are getting to know each other and I especially have found this thing very positive and a welcome him into my life.
So here I have another reason for why I HATE SECRETS. They don´t do any good to anyone. Ever.