My dear friends. You have followed and supported me through an extremely rough year and it´s not over yet. But thank you for being patient and listening my whining about things. And a little word of warning, I´m going to continue...

I feel that I have been forced to think about everything that has happened over the years. No one just remembered to ask, if I wanted to do that. I thought when I got the news I was accepted to become a student of business economy that finally there is some light at the end of a tunnel. Finally things are starting to work out and I can push this big, black hole that´s been haunting me since I got sick, aside. That´s what I thought...

To be honest, this has been a hell of a year so far. And you know what is the worst part of everything? It´s the fact that not only you have to rethink your future plans, but that you have to rethink your past too. That is devastating. It´s not easy to find out, your marriage and whole life with someone has based on a lie. But knowing that now, it does explain some things. Unfortunately it doesn´t change them. There is no way you can turn back the clock. Not that I would want to.

Because I am a human being (at least I think so...) all this stress has definetily proved me how both physical and psychological parts go hand in hand, together. The more stress I have, the more sick I am.

So here is my health status. I know, you want to Most of you know how sick I was at the end of last year with the cytomegalovirus-infection. Almost a month in a hospital. Not to mention I lost a friend to this disease, which made me think about my situation even more. And I can´t deny that I´m not afraid of dieing. Especially now that it looks like there is not a healthy day insight.

Today has been a true rollercoaster-day. It really describes so well all of this. Living with myositis and living in period. When you start a rollercoaster ride, going up is slow and kind of fun but when it starts to go down, the ride gets so fast that all you can do is scream and hope you will survive. Add a few spins around to make your head dizzy. If that is not enough, take another round.

Okay, lets get to the point. Ever since I found about the third wheels part in our marriage and in our lives, was definetily the turning point. Nothing had been what I thought it had been. The next day I woke up in fever. It has now lasted for seven weeks. The doctors are confused and trying to find out what is wrong. My CK-levels are normal. CRP has risen a lot, so I do have an infection somewhere. The question is where? CMV was the first thing I was tested for and the answer was negative. Things haven´t changed. The docs changed my medication from Imurel + Sandimmun to Trexan and folic acid. I took it once and had to stop cause I got a terrible flu. A normal flu but a terrible one. It raised my temperature about a degree (in Celcius) and I have had days that I couldn´t go to school, because painkillers didn´t lower the temp enough.

The dosage of pred has been increased, against my will. At first from 10 to 15 and 20 mg. For this weekend the dosage was doubled to 40 mg. You can easily see it too. It made me so young. Puberty hit me again. I had already forgotten that side-effect. But I´m not sure yet if it helped. Today I woke up without fever and muscle pain. What a wonderful feeling. But fever-free days are part of PM as well so I guess tomorrow will tell where I´m going.

Next week I am scheduled for tests to check my lungs and blood tests of course. My arms are starting to look so terrible that I may think twice whether to use a t-shirt during the summer. One other problem is my anemia. No matter how much I use iron supplements my Hb keeps low. Around 100. So I guess the next couple of weeks will tell me more what´s going on inside my body. Nobody has to tell me what´s going on in my mind. I can tell that myself. TOO MUCH!!!

So here I am, picking up the pieces, figuring out who am I and who is the person I am (was) married to almost 14 years. Since things weren´t like I thought they were, has made me question my capability to see what people are really like and what do they really mean with their words. This is not the situation you want to find yourself at my age. I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart.