I am very disappointed in people. In the middle of a divorce, you find out who are your true friends. Thank God for them. They are there for me. Helping and supporting. That feels good and I hope I can do the same whenever they need it. Then there are people who has reacted differently than I thought. For example this blog. All of those whom I told about this, the ones I thought would at least take a look, has not. I can only guess the reasons. Not interested, fear of revelations etc.
My future X is one of those people. For him reading my blog brings the disease too close and he doesn´t want that. Three years I have now been battleing with polymyositis, alone. Well not completely alone. I have my own support group around me here in Finland and around the world as well. But physically, I´ve been alone with this. And I can tell you it really is not easy. Think about a situation where your life is turned upside down, rolled over a couple of times and finally you find yourself back to square one. Only this time your options are very limited. Now that´s something you should be able to count on your love ones.
My therapist and I just thought about taking a break from something, but everything is so tight together and one thing affects so many others that the idea turned out to be a mission impossible. I should take a break from everything but that brings more problems to handle and solve, so I just have to hang in there and wait for one thing to be overwith and hope it makes the knot a little loose and easier to open.
Everything that has been going on has made my polymyositis to wake up. I´m flaring up. At least I think so. The doctors are confused. My blood tests doesn´t show PM symptoms and the test for CMV was negative. They still think I could have a virus of some sort. Fever is going up and down. My muscles hurt from head to toe. I´m anemic. My bp is low. Pred has been increased to 20 mg. I hate that. I hate that so much. I admit been vain, but I really would like to look myself for a change. Without moon face or swelling here, swelling there and... well you know all the things pred brings along.
The fights with future X won´t help the situation. I just can´t bear his way of dealing with all this, with a third wheel. If he just would answer to my questions straight and honestly, it would´ve saved us from many fights. Now that he is trying to avoid the subject all the time, it makes things worse.
Well, I hope he never gets sick. When you find out in that position that you´re alone and the person who was supposed to support and help you is gone, it´s not an easy place to be in. I think that somewhere in his mind he is/was worried that one day he would have to push me in a wheelchair and that freaked him out. He never admitted it, but I think it has affected. And today I´m so angry with him, that he better not come near me.